May 28, 2012

Dearest,

Tomorrow, 60 days will have passed since our night and 20 days since we had to say our goodbye. I still count the days. I miss you. Every quiet moment I get, I think about you. Always you. 

I don’t understand how you think it is inevitable when it comes to losing me. Is that the final goal? To lose me? It doesn’t benefit either of us, and although it may seem easier, it really isn’t.

Living through life and taking it as it is really just seems foolish to me. I believe the choices we make govern what becomes of our lives. We choose our own destiny. If something is clearly hindering my dreams or goals, I simply part ways with it. I hope you realize that the reason I haven’t parted ways with you is because you don’t hinder my dreams or goals. You were a source of inspiration, fuel for my determination. Throughout my life, I have learned that being a survivor of heartache is a great asset to hold. I may have never been someone’s first choice, and I was not even yours, but what I have learned from it all is that my capacity to love someone has grown exponentially with every second thought, mixed message, and rejection. At first, it hurt, terribly, and it still does in some ways. But I have never felt as strong or as determined as I ever had before in reaching my dreams.

I want you to know that it isn’t easy, but it only gets harder if only one of us is fighting for it. I know that I’m still here, standing and fighting, for us. But it always comes back to the question, “Do you want me in your life?” If yes, then keep fighting, because anything worth keeping is worth fighting for.

And the awkwardness. Things do not have to be awkward with me. I mean really, have things ever felt that awkward between us? The reason we work out so well is because of how comfortable we get around each other. We have always had amazing chemistry. But if choosing to avoid me and ignore me makes things easier for you, then I understand. I just want you to know that there are choices you can make to keep me in your life. Now it is up to you to make them.

Sincerly,

Charles